Censor

I thought and thought about writing this.

If I was going to push buttons and start something I'm not prepared to handle.

This is a sensitive subject, but I'm seriously conflicted. This is my space, and someone has tainted it. I am thoroughly pissed off, and I need to rant. I need to get a good cry out. I need you to help lift me up and give me some advice.

I come here to write. To pour my heart and soul into this little white square, not quite sure if my kids will ever read this one day. Trying to preserve the childhood I am creating for them. Holding tight to memories because they are growing so fast, and slipping into little boys.

So when I took a break this weekend, I felt like it was needed. I spent all of Memorial Day weekend away from the computer and enjoying my family.

So when I logged on yesterday I saw I had a comment awaiting moderation. Do you remember this post I did for Memories Captured? Its been a while, so go ahead and refresh your memory.

That adorable picture of C with those sweet cheeks? I thought it was precious, too cute to not share--right?

I never thought anything of putting it up, because I know my readers. They are Mama's just like me, or my friends and family. No one would try to exploit my child, and turn a sweet picture into something dirty...right?

Right?

Wrong.

I logged on to find a comment waiting to be moderated for that post. I'm not going to copy and paste it here, because it is disgusting and horrifying and I feel the bile rising every time I think of it. Some anonymous commenter wrote horrible, defaming things about my sweet boy. About what he wanted to do to him.

As I'm typing this, the tears are streaming down my face. This blog, this thing I love so very much, I'm considering deleting it. Ive always said the minute its not good for my family, the minute it isn't good for me, I'm done.

But.

Do I let one comment stop me?

Obviously, some censoring is needed here. Its not enough to just use letters for my family members. Is it to late to censor and protect them? I never write about where we live or put our address in any pictures. Am I not doing enough?

I need your help. I need advice.

I am at a loss as to what to do.

Linking this up with Shell for PYHO

Wishes

As the boys get older, I'm realizing that the time is coming quicker than I want it to.

Sure, they are still my sweet preschooler and toddler. For now.

I'm not naive, I know they are growing up and one day soon they will leave me. 

They will go on to college, marriage, and eventually have babies of their own. I just want them to know I'm always here. I'm always going to be around for them.

I wish so much for their lives, because they deserve the best.

So to my sweet boys,

I wish that you find something you love and are passionate about, and are able to let that guide your life.

I wish at the end of the day, you look to the Heaven's and thank God, even when you think there is nothing to be thankful for.

I wish you laughter, deep belly laughs that draw the tears.

I wish you love, that makes your heart skip a beat and your hands sweaty. First love, last love, all the love you could possibly imagine.

I wish you heartbreak, because while it hurts, it also teaches you how strong you are and builds character. 

I wish that you always know Daddy and I are here for you. We will pick you up when you fall, and make you smile when you are sad. We will celebrate your triumphs and help you get through the failures. 

I wish that you both will stay as close as you are. Having a brother is having an automatic best friend. Don't ever let anything get in between you two. Nothing is more important than family.

But most of all? The thing I want and wish and hope for every single day?

I wish you happiness.

No matter what you do in life, make sure you are happy. 

Your both growing before my eyes, and I just want you to know how much I love you. More than anything in this world. You have made our family complete, and you will never know how much that means to me. 

Continue smiling,

Mama

What do you wish for your kids? 

Linking this up with Shell for PYHO

Dear T,

T is a good husband, most of the time. But after 5 years together, he does things that drive me completely bat-crap crazy.

And I'm almost positive he knows it. He could change it, sure, but what's the fun in that? So I'm going to give him a list of 10 Things Husbands SHOULD Do, and leave it up on the computer. 

Ill let you know what happens.

1. Foot rubs without asking

2. Unload the dishwasher. Bonus points if I don't ask and you to do it without dramatic sighing the entire time.

3. Allow me to sleep in on the weekends.

4. Constant refill of wine in my hands. No mother should go without wine, its absurd.

5. You need to call your mother on a regular basis. She loves you, and just wants to chat.

6. Love my friends. 

7. Protect my siblings. When they need a big brother, step into that role. 

8. Grocery shop with both the boys. Maybe then you wont ask, "How can you forget half the things on your list?"

9. Accept the fact that when I'm in the car, there will be no rap music. We will listen to Country--because that's how I roll.

10. Love me. More than anything, just love me. Protect me. Support me. Kiss me.

What did I leave off my list? I tried to keep it as G rated as possible. Since one day my kids will probably read this. I want it to not be awkward for them, and also me. Mainly me.

Actually, whatever. I don't care.

11. Put up with my insatiable taste for you. Because I find you irresistible, and I don't care who knows.

<a href="http://www.northwestmommy.com/category/monday-listicles" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.northwestmommy.com/home/Listicle3.jpg" /></a>

Accepting

When I was a little girl, I always imagined I would have what my mom had.

Two daughters and a son.

I'm not sure why I always pictured that, but anytime I imagined what it would be like to be a mom, I always saw that image in my head.

When I got pregnant with B, it was obviously a surprise. My initial ultrasound said girl, and we were so ecstatic. I bought little pink onesies with ruffles. I even got a gorgeous bedding set for my soon to be little pink and green nursery.

Then I had another ultrasound, thankfully. On that screen was not my little girl I had pictured, but a little boy. I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed at first. Only because the baby I had imagined had all of a sudden grown an extra something. After talking it over with T, seeing his excitement, I knew it was for the best.

I figured, what little girl doesn't need an older brother to take care of her? This is just perfect!

B was born and I was completely smitten.

Except I heard all the time, "when are you going to try for a little girl?" I started to get antsy.

When I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous cells and told getting pregnant can help to get rid of the cells, I was excited.

We tried for 5 months before getting pregnant. I waited and waited for that 18 week ultrasound. I knew it was a girl. I would rub my belly and grin at my sweet daughter inside. I would wander through baby stores drooling over little pink dresses and leg warmers. I imagined B's relationship with his little sister.

I was so sure, I even picked out a name. Karsyn Michelle {after my baby sister}.

I went in to my 18 week ultrasound alone with B. T had got called into work at the last minute, but I wasn't going to change that appointment for the world.

When I walked in, I told the tech that I knew it was a girl. After about 5 minutes I heard him say, "What did you think it was again? A little boy? Your right!"

I'm not going to lie. I cried on that table. I cried for the next hour while waiting in the room for the doctor. I called my mom and cried on the phone to her. It felt like all of my dreams were crushed. Especially since I had said so many times it was our last baby.

After the initial shock wore off, I began to get excited. I went through B's old clothes and picked out the ones I could put on this new baby. I rubbed my belly and told him how much his big brother already loved him. Watching T pick out the baby bedding was the best day of my pregnancy. He was so excited I had finally agreed to a sports theme.

Then when C was born, and we went through all that we did, I knew how silly I had been. Regardless of whether he had been a she or not--I loved him. I was in full awe of that little boy. And I still am today. I love the bond that my boys have. I love that they will grow up knowing the love and friendship that only comes from brotherhood.

While we are not done having babies, in a year or two when we do get pregnant again, I wont be upset. Either way it goes, I want another baby. Not just a little girl. I want to experience the pregnancy, the infancy, and the bond of siblings all over again.

I like being a boy mom. It brings me such joy to know they love their Mama and strive to be just like their Daddy. I wouldn't trade all this blue for anything in the world.

So to everyone who asks the question of whether I want a little girl, from now on I can really smile and say, "I just want another baby." And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Did you experience gender disappointment? How did you deal with it?

Linking this up with Shell from Things I Cant Say for PYHO. You should absolutely go check it out!